I started to believe my own press, that careful impression I had worked so hard to instill in others, that I would do anything for anyone that asked, because I needed the money. Writing somewhere along the way stopped being a priority, because I was doing it in my hoarded secret moments, and those were being worn away by my inability to say no to anyone who held out the potential of enough money to get out of the game for a bit. And into the real game.
It's a hackneyed phrase that writing is a lonely business. I bought the line, hook and sinker attached, and never considered that it was just that -- a line.
Leaving to come back better
So I've gone into exile, to reconnect with myself, and my own wants. I'm fortunate that I have a little latitude right now time-wise, and feel confident enough thanks to the support I have from my partner in the ultimate value of what I do to believe in the value of taking the time to put my head right.
It's only been a few days, but you wouldn't believe what's shaking loose.
I've been reading, a lot. I've discovered a ridiculous video game online called "Fish Tycoon" that I'm using as a metaphor to understand business growth -- finally I've got it straight that the reason I never would have survived in a place like business school is that they just don't use clever enough metaphors. I've finally discovered a literary use for my otherwise troubling fascination with serial killer psychology.
And, something that pleases and thrills me more than I can possibly express, given time and freedom and the conscious placement in my own head of a nagging little voice (courtesy of that self-same wonderful partner) which repeats over and over, "Do what you want!"
It seems so simple. I hope the days I have left in my little sojourn are enough to solidify this new preoccupation with my own preoccupations. Because it's working, and that means I am.
And that makes Jenny a good girl. Not to mention sane.