STUPID TEENAGERS MUST DIE, 2006
Starring: Jovan Meredith, Ashley Schneider, Devin Marble, Lindsay Gareth, Renee Dorian, Cory Assink, Jonathan Brett, Will Deutsch, Jamie Carson, Christina DeRosa, Matthew Blashaw
In the 1980's a misfit group of teenagers congregate in the house of a long deceased murderer to hold a séance to communicate with the spirit of said murderer. Things go wrong when the teens start winding up slashed to death.
This movie, when it was making it's film festival rounds, used to be titled "Blood & Guts". They changed the title of the movie when it (somehow) got distribution because a) they though "Blood & Guts" was a bad title due to the amount of blood and guts in the movie being somewhat limited due to the film's non-existent budget, and b) they thought "Stupid Teenagers Must Die!" was a better representation of the comedic aspect they were going for with this indie flick. Well... they got the STUPID part right, anyway!
A couple (a teenage girl named Tiffany and a 20-something guy named Michael) finish having morning sex and talk about the coming séance they're about to have with some friends to communicate with the spirit of Murder McGee, the murderer who once resided in the house they're standing in. Tiffany leaves for school and Michael starts to get things set up when he is stabbed to death by an unseen killer.
That night, the gang is all here: Tiffany (the dizzy blond), Ryan (the nerd with a crush on the blond), Kane (the cool guy), Julie (the cool guy's naive girlfriend), Madeline (the goth girl), Alfie (the badass), Sissy and Jamie (a pair of lipstick lesbians), and two big nerds (two big nerds). There is immediate tension amongst the group due to a) Ryan hitting on Tiffany too much, b) Julie bringing Kane unexpectedly, c) Kane wanting nothing to do with the séance or the other members of the group, d) the two nerds being kicked out despite their desperation to stay. Once all issues are hashed out, Madeline announces that there are items hidden in the house that they need to gather before beginning the actual séance, and they break into pairs to search the house.
While searching, Kane and Julie unknowingly stumble across a room in which Sissy and Jamie are having lesbian sex. One of the lesbians leaves the room for a short while, and while she's gone the other is killed. Not wanting to stay after the murder, Kane and Ryan leave the house, only to come back 30 seconds later saying there's someone outside. Hearing a noise upstairs, Kane and Alfie with Madeline investigate and find that the 2 big nerds have snuck back into the house. They are tied up for questioning in the murder of the lesbian when it's revealed that her death was just a practical joke. Upset, Kane leaves.
The remaining group split up again when Tiffany goes to the restroom, escorted by Ryan. Tiffany is mysteriously killed (for real this time) and the gang panics. When Kane comes back, he's accused until Julie tries to kill him while possessed by the spirit of Murder McGee. The gang find themselves mysteriously locked in the house, and search for a way to end the possession-killings.
"Stupid Teenagers Must Die!" is a ridiculous attempt at a humorous spoof of the popular teen slasher flicks of the 1980's. It is not funny, it is not scary, and the production value is so weak that I'm working under the assumption it was made with a less-than-$1,000 camera and it's on board microphone. The video quality is dreadful, the audio is almost as bad, the story is stupid and full of holes, and the editing is choppy with loads of mistakes and in some scenes actually painful to watch!
The ONLY positive aspect this film has is that the actors are adequate enough to make me believe they're actually paid actors and not just some schmuck's friends. Keep in mind, I'm not saying they were GOOD actors... but they were better than I've seen in other no-budget indie films that have somehow found distribution.
It's movies like this that give hope to literally EVERYONE who owns a video camera! This film was a phenomenal waste of my time (even if that time was only just barely over an hour), and as such I feel like this review is a huge waste of your time when I could have easily have written a 5-word review: Don't bother watching this movie.
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